A Guide for the Cis: How to be An Ally to Nonbinary Folks
by James Admans
July 17, 2020 (updated December 25, 2022)
When I first came out as nonbinary, I found that I had many family and friends who had no idea what that meant or how to fully respect me and others like me. Although this post came from my personal experience, this reflection is here for anyone who is willing to learn. Please feel free to share this guide with others, including those that you think need it. Please note that asking cisgender people to be better allies is not an unreasonable request. It means fully recognizing the dignity and humanity of the transgender and nonbinary community. As one of my good friends once said, “If cis folks spoke to trans and nonbinary with respect, patience, and understanding way they talked to cis men and women, guides like these wouldn’t be necessary.”
Allyship is a continous process.
I’ll be the first to admit that the title of this post is a bit misleading. The day I moved to Union Theological Seminary, I was told that the term “ally” can be a problematic one. This confused many of us in the room… What?! Aren’t allies important, especially in our relationships, friendships, and moving towards a society that celebrates the queer and transgender community? Well, it is not that simple. I later learned that straight people never fully arrive allies. When it comes to the nonbinary community, cisgender people never fully arrive as allies, because allyship is a continuous process.
Think of the term “ally” as not a title to be earned. Think of "ally" as a verb instead of a noun. Cisgender folks must continuously engage in the process of growth, deepening their understanding, and working for justice for nonbinary people. This is a lifelong journey and lived philosophy, not a destination.
This is true not just for nonbinary folks, but for all marginalized groups with whom you (the readers) do not personally identify. Ally is not a title to be earned. It is not a badge of honor. It is not a brand. You must continuously practice allyship.
Do research on your own.
Don't know what something means? Look it up. Don't know what "cis" means in the title of this reflection? Read a book. . Not into reading? Watch a video. There are many resources out there, including this one.
Nonbinary folks shouldn't have to explain ourselves because that takes away the time and energy we spend working on our own liberation while cis folks are still learning the basics. It also takes a significant amount of emotional labor for nonbinary people to constantly have to explain ourselves to others. We are not your encyclopedias. You are capable of doing your own research. Empower yourself and just do it.
It’s also important to note that nonbinary people are not a monolith either. The nonbinary person you know is not the spokesperson for all enbies (a term used to refer to nonbinary people. Singular: enby). Similarly, this reflection does not speak for all nonbinary people, although I think it does a good job covering many of the basics that the majority of us would agree on. Nonbinary people are a diverse group of people with a spectrum of identities and experiences.
Nonbinary people don't owe you anything.
This is true even if you have good intentions. Your intentions may be good, but your impact may be not good.
Here is a short list of things that nonbinary folks don't need to explain:
their gender identity or expression
why they won't "come out" to you
anything about their gender-affirming care or medical history
why their gender identity is valid or what their gender identity means
anything about their gender identity or gender in general that they don't want to talk about with you
When you demand answers, you're making it about yourself and your curiosity and turning a nonbinary person into an exhibition, rather than loving and caring for them. Probing someone with invasive questions is not love. Do not ask a nonbinary person anything you would not ask a cis person. Respect boundaries.
Nonbinary people don't have to present in a certain way.
Nonbinary folks don't need to appear/present as:
androgynous
thin/straight sized
white
using a "gender neutral" name
using only they/them pronouns
skinny jeans and plaid & short hair
There is no one way to be nonbinary. People who present as masculine or feminine can be nonbinary. People who are fat can be nonbinary. BIPOC can be nonbinary. You can wear whatever clothes you want and your hair however you want and be nonbinary. You can use your assigned name at birth and use he/him and/or she/her pronouns and be nonbinary.
The only way to know if someone is nonbinary is if they tell you that they are nonbinary.
Share your pronouns, even if you're cis.
Get into the habit of introducing yourself with your pronouns, e.g. "My name is Courtney and I use she/her pronouns." Cis people, especially, should do this because it takes the pressure off trans and nonbinary folks to start the momentum of pronoun sharing. This is one way to make it a safer space (*Note that I operate under the assumption that "safe spaces" do not truly exist, but I think that we can foster an environment where listening, learning, and treating each other with dignity and respect are cultural norms.).
Add your pronouns to your social media bios, email signatures, and Zoom names to create an atmosphere where nonbinary and trans folks can feel more comfortable sharing pronouns. Instagram and Zoom now have built-in features for pronoun sharing. Use them. Acknowledge to yourself that sharing your pronouns does not mean that you do not have internalized transphobia.
If you don't understand why folks are sharing their pronouns or what a pronoun is, google it.
The best way not to mess up someone's pronouns is not to gender them in the first place.
Don’t assume someone’s gender. No matter how they present themselves, you do not know someone's gender identity or pronouns unless they tell you. If you catch yourself misgendering someone or using their deadname, immediately correct yourself and apologize, e.g. "Sorry, I mean Sam [or they] went to the store."
Do not make a scene or express how hard it is to get someone's pronouns or name right, because then you're asking for sympathy, making it about yourself, and expressing how hard it is for you to treat someone respectfully. Meanwhile, someone is feeling angry, frustrated, and invalidated for being misgendered (likely among other emotions).
Practice using nonbinary folks' pronouns with other cis friends so that you're less likely to misgender someone when you're around them.
If you misgender someone and apologize, do not expect them to respond with "It's okay."
It's not okay to misgender someone. Nonbinary folks may feel compelled to diffuse the situation with this response, especially if someone responds dramatically after being corrected. If you are corrected, be sure to say "thank you" and move on.
Correct folks when you find them getting names and pronouns wrong. Cis folks are responsible for keeping other cis folks accountable. That's part of engaging in allyship.
Nonbinary and trans folks can respond with phrases like "You'll get it with practice" or with silence. Note that if someone becomes angry and speaks up for being misgendered, then it is not time to start tone policing them as much as it is time to listen and apologize and say you'll commit to doing better. Anger is a valid response to being misgendered.
Nonbinary people aren't taking anything away from you.
Cis people may feel like something is being taken away from them, e.g. cis parents who realize they have a nonbinary child, not a son or daughter. They may have to process that emotionally, but it is not the job of a nonbinary person to carry you through that. The attachment to who you thought they were was never valid. It was a myth created by the cisheteropatriarchy. You must accept and embrace a nonbinary person's right to self-determination.
Focus on adjusting other parts of your language too, such as the phrase "brothers and sisters" which can be replaced with the more inclusive "siblings." Google other gender-inclusive terminology.
If you're the leader of an organization or business, take an audit of your institutions where there are separations by binary gender, including restrooms and documents, and adjust these to be gender-inclusive.
Find ways to support queer, trans, and nonbinary communities
Put your money where your mouth is and redistribute your wealth to funds and organizations advocating for trans and nonbinary folks, especially those who are transgender and BIPOC.
Pay attention to how your understanding of gender as a binary permeates our society, especially in the United States context.
Listen to the experiences and stories of nonbinary and trans folks and pay attention to activists.
Be sure to show love for the nonbinary and trans people in your lives (by the way, you probably know someone who is!). Treat them with dignity and respect. Don't just say it. You must show it by demonstrating your commitment to allyship.